I can tuck mytits in my pants
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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