My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
