i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
