New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
