I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize