I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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