I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
