i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize