There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
