Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
