made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
My dick has a subreddit
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
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