I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
