She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
