I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
