Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
