I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
