I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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