eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
