just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
