if i can run in heels then i can drive
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
