Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
You dont lie about slip and slides
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
