Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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