you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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