She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
