She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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