I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
