God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Randomize
