Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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