I'm really into asian looking animals
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
BRING THE BAGELS
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
