my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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