Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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