i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
