if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
