True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Randomize
