I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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