I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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