Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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