As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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