It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
