just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
