The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
