: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
