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Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I will pee on everything he values.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Dick very happy bro
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
