There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
