she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
