My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
