my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
