A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
