in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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