so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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