i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
