Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize