we're chasing vodka with high fives
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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