now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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