What did we do last night that was yellow?
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
