didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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