I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
