Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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