Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
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